#believe ♡

Sometimes, i can't help but to think, alot. I think about everything and anything i can think of, anytime, anywhere. Have you ever wanted to go back to a particular time or period, wishing that day or that time can repeat over and over again? I do, all the time. I miss how things are when it first started. How things were so simple yet contented, how little things meant so much, how much things we used to talked about and share with each other. Quality time used to be something so essential, like the late night walks & the honest talks. As time pass, conversation gets mundane, topics become lesser, communication decreases, things changes, we changes. Sooner or later, there's just nothing to converse about, awkward silences becomes something normal. A two-party thing becomes something more than two, and eventually, everything will change. Just wondering, why can't things be the same as how it used to be when everything first started, or perhaps before everything started?...

当你爱一个人， 你会无条件的愿意为他牺牲。 不管多么的无理，多么的辛苦或难，你都会尽力付出。 当你爱一个人， 他的一举一动都会影响你。 无论好的或坏的，都会被影响。 当他对你一时忽略，你都会伤心而难过，希望他能给你所有的时间，像当时一样。 当你们吵架，不管是很大的事情或者小的事情，你都会流眼泪，都会哭， 因为你怕。 怕拥有的一切会被吵闹而消失，怕你们想要的未来不会实现，怕他会离开你。 当你爱一个人，无论他对你讲多么难听的话，你都会留。 有时，你会生一点气，反驳他的话。有时，你会被伤，所以提醒了他不要说气话。有时，你会怕，怕到你想逃避。 当你爱一个人，你会想和他聊天，和他在一起，想多看他一面，多见面的时间。 当你爱一个人，不会觉得太多的彼此，不会觉得足够的对方。 反而，你会想更多，无论什么事。 当你爱一个人，你都会想着他，做任何事都会想。 你会多想，然后伤心难过。当你伤心难过，你会要他安慰你，无论我们多傻，安慰话会让我们好过一些。

如果有人在灯塔 拨弄她的头发 思念刻在墙和瓦 如果感情会挣扎 没有说的儒雅 把挽回的手放下 镜子里的人说假话 违心的样子你决定了吗 装聋或者作哑 要不我先说话 我们的爱情 到这刚刚好 剩不多也不少 还能忘掉 我应该可以 把自己照顾好 我们的距离 到这刚刚好 不够我们拥抱 就挽回不了 用力爱过的人 不该计较 是否要逼人弃了甲 亮出一条伤疤 不堪的根源在哪 可是感情会挣扎 没有别的办法 它劝你不如退下 如果分手太复杂 流浪的歌手会放下吉他 故事要美必须藏着真话 我们的爱情 到这刚刚好 剩不多也不少 还能忘掉 我应该可以 把自己照顾好 我们的距离 到这刚刚好 不够我们拥抱 就挽回不了 用力爱过的人 不该计较 我们的爱情到这刚刚好 再不争也不吵 不必再煎熬 你可以不用 记得我的好 我们的流浪到这刚刚好 趁我们还没到 天涯海角 我也不是非要去那座城堡 天空有些暗了暗的刚刚好 我难过的样子就没人看到 你别太在意我身上的记号 "even if we're not meant to be, i'll make it happen" i miss you already. i can literally feel the pain in my heart & chest, it's making me so uncomfortable. part of me need this break, part of me wants this break yet part of me wants to see you, part of me hopes you'll reject the idea of the break. you're not even mine, and i'm close to losing you already, again. for the fourth time. what if our love is meant to just be like this?

Sometimes, we can't help but to overthink, and feel paranoid about every single thing. When we feel like something changed, we get paranoid thinking if we're the cause of it, or think about what might happen soon. A little bit of changes affects everything, making us paranoid but in actual fact, we don't exactly know what changes, it's just a feeling, an instinct. And this feeling, sucks. Not knowing the reason of why we get paranoid, not knowing what causes the changes, not knowing if the change is going to be long-term or affect everything even more.

those butterflies that flew inside me but never went away, are what you gave me. these feelings you made me feel, are feelings i have never felt before. the tears i cried for you, worth so much, so much. all the heartbreaks you gave, are things i wish it didn't happen failures after failures, we try again it's amazing how we have come this far i got a feeling, a feeling i never had,  you are the one. because you are, the love of my life.

13/04 14/04 15/04 16/04 17/04

“承诺应该是一份礼物，而不是拴住彼此的枷锁” Promises/commitments should be a gift, and not being tied to each other's chain. Usually when we make a promise, we ought to deliver what the promise says. However, is the promise given willingly or does it just adds on to the burden you already have, and you're just keeping the promises you've made because you promised? I realised we take things for granted; promises, commitments, people, things around us. We promise whenever we can. we commit whenever we can, we love people and the things around us whenever we can, but once we lose them, we regret & we get hurt. I feel that promises are supposed to be given willingly, confidently, and not making a promise we are unsure of, that makes us being forced to keep the promise, and hence tying one another up. There's a big difference in trying to keep the promise, for the sake of the promise and keeping the promise because you want to keep it. Same goes for commitments as well as everyt...

Efforts. What do efforts mean to everyone? To me, efforts means everything. When you want or need something, you have to put in effort to get them, be it having to put in alot of effort or not. After getting them, you have to continue putting in effort to take care of them, and constantly ensure they are good etc. Is getting them all you wanted? Perhaps it's just me. I'd rather someone puts in the exact same effort they once did for me/something all the way, instead of putting in their 100% effort just to get you/something and reduce their effort to e.g 50% once they got it. If you think you can only give out 50% of your effort everytime, then give your 50% from the start, and not decrease them overtime. Don't blame it on the expectations someone has on your efforts because, expectations were built from efforts. However, i do agree that efforts doesn't get you everything you wanted. Sometimes, your efforts don't mean anything when it doesn't require eff...

You were a book i read over and over again. Despite the number of times i flipped the pages, i still feel so deeply for this book. I've been stuck on this favourite page of mine, the first page of the last chapter, for years yet all i did was re-reading everything instead of continuing the last chapter. I'm not ready to see how this book is going to end, not ready to close the book. But i also know that no matter how much I love this book, understanding the content is as important too, which i'm still trying my best to. Everytime i read this book, i get hurt by the content, by paper cuts, and paper cuts are small but are one of the most painful cuts. I'm tired of going through the same thing again and again, tired of being insecure all the time, tired of worrying what's going to happen next. It's time to close the book and seek another one right? You were a book that seeked other owners when you were supposed to be mine. A book that left me for others, a...

When are you ever ready for something? I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one going through phases whereby "I'm not ready for this" moments occured. and i always wonder how do people know they are ready for something, when is the "ready" ready. if not now then when? Sometimes you're ready for something new but you just can't bear to let go of the old, because you are not "ready" to let it go. So... when will the time come? I'm never ready for anything. I do not know when i'm ready for something, both the good and bad. To  me, no one can ever be ready for something . You might expect a certain thing, and be ready to face it, but it doesn't guarantee that what you expected is what you received. I really am amazed by people who are always ready for anything and everything. They do things without fear and accept things the way it is, positively. Yet, here i am, always wondering when i'm ready. Are you?

Many of us neglected the importance of self-love and self-acceptance. We love others more than we love ourselves, we expect others to love us when we do not even love ourselves, we get depress because of ourselves, but how many of us out there, put ourselves before others when it comes to love? Some say love is selfish, some say love is selfless, so... which? Self-acceptance and self-love isn't easy, it is so difficult for us to do that to the extent that we gave up trying, or didn't bother trying. I hate so many things about myself. "Hate" is a really strong word for me, i tend to use "dislike" instead but i'm going to use the word "hate" because that's how much i am unhappy about myself. My face features, my boobs, my stomach, the scars and stretchmarks on my legs, my height, my voice, my laughter, everything. Whenever i look into the mirror, i wish i'm prettier, i wish i wasn't me. There's always someone better...

What defines Christianity? I often wonder. Does believing in God makes me a Christian? Or does attending churches make me a Christian? I've got no idea. I've stopped going to church, as i couldn't commit attending them every week due to school and work (because i just started school and had lots of events and work during that period of time). I can't really remember when, but in one of the church sessions, the pastor was talking about how attending the church doesn't make one a real Christian. So... how do one becomes a real Christian? I believe in God, I believe in His existence, I believe He's there for me. I love and enjoy all the praise and worship songs, as well as reading the bible but I don't attend churches, and that alone, i do not define myself as a Christian. What makes someone a Christian, a real Christian?

Days like this, i tend to ask myself what am i good at. Is there anything I'm good at doing? Everyone around me has a talent, or at least something they excel or are doing good at it, but what's mine? What's my talent? Dancing? Netball? Singing? Nah, i wish. I love doing them, unfortunately, I'm bad at them. A part of me wished i did not listen to my dad's opinion of trying something new hence i stopped dancing for netball, yet a part of me am glad that i tried something new and took up netball. But sadly, i had to give up netball due to complications which i regretted doing so, and wished i persevered instead. "Everyone has something they're good at, it just takes time to figure out what it is"  20 years old, and yet to find an answer. Some of my friends are good at dancing, some are good at singing, some are good at both, some play sports really well, some are genius at studying, some are even good at drinking (alcohol // at least the...

It's been 6 months since i've written a post here. I realised i did not really update this space of mine regularly last year, i guess it's time i should? Got myself a new theme/face for my blog after YEARS, which kind of motivates me to update this blog often now. I've been wanting to post for quite some time about my thoughts, but i was rlly lazy (what's new..) // How do people know what they want so easily, and make choices confidently, without the fear of it being the wrong decision and regrets them? How do people not fear about the things around them and move forward? I fear a lot of things, to the extent that i do not know if i should just continue getting myself stuck at the same place, or take a step forward and give myself a chance.  There are so many "what ifs" happening all around us, all around me. Yet, how do people even brave themselves and go for what they want, making choices and taking the chance, creating their destiny? If you de...