3:365 // "what's life without happiness"

woke up at about 915 and tried forcing myself to sleep but i just can't. i've got no idea why but there's this heavy feeling inside me, not allowing me to get back to sleep. before that, i had a nightmare of sth really scary, scary as in if my life is going to be what i dreamt of, i'd rather die. watched friends with benefit to kill some time and now i'm here in this space of mine, while listening to Christina Grimmie's With Love album. thought really really carefully about what would i do if i die tomorrow, no joke. this post is going to be really emo and shitty so those of you reading this can stop if you want to.

if i were to die tomorrow, i'd probably tell my family (dad and grandad) how much i really love them. I've never ever had a chance to tell my dad how much he meant to me, never ever had a proper conversation with both of them. To be honest, i can never imagine what my life would be without them. if i have a chance, probably cook a meal for them but i know it's kind of impossible, because i just can't open up to them or have a proper conversation. but who know's, since i'm going to die tomorrow, i might just muster up my courage etc. It's weird i know, but at the same time, it's very very hard for me. All i ever wish for my entire life was to have a proper and normal family. It's funny how i'm closer to other's family than my own. 
if i were to die tomorrow, i'd tell my friends how much they ever meant to me, because my friends is the most important part of my life, other than my dad. Without them, i wouldn't be able to go through hardships and get over obstacles one after another. they were there for me at every part of my life, even more than my dad. my friends knows every single thing about me, whereas my dad don't. what a weird life i've got.
if i were to die tomorrow, i'd properly ask my crush/the one i like/love, to take care etc, but i'd never confess. What's the point of confessing when i'm gna die the next day. Will they love me for just a night? Even if they do, it'd only bring them sadness and grieve them the very next day. hahahahah
if i were to die, i'll definitely die with thousand of regrets gosh ahahhahahaah

“The only people who fear death are those with regrets.”

I'm not really good at making people around me feel happy, i'm definitely not good at helping others do something as i'd cause more trouble than help. To be exact, i just have nothing i'm good in. That's really sad. many of you must be thinking why am i acting so sad and me, thinking of dying when there's so many people out there suffering more than i do etc, i've got no idea too. it's just the sudden thought of everything i guess?

out later with HAMXter to ecp so hope it'll be a good day because i've been waiting for today to come hehe

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