231:366 // "Time doesn't heal all wounds, it just hides them"

At the start of 2016, i blogged about a brand new year, talking about how i still remember everything that once happened to me 2 years ago.

 "Had my first cry of the year, unfortunately. Thinking back about things that once happened to me, I felt that I've been through so much and it still scares me how it's only been a quarter of my life, I've still got a long way to go. Flashback to the period when fang and I first started hanging out. I was at my lowest point in life. I was accused of things I didn't do, people thought of others' feelings instead of mine, people put themselves in others' shoes but not mine. All in all, yet I can't stand up for myself, I tried but no one seems to be listening. The feeling I had was torturous and up till now, I have never forget how it felt. I thought since it's over, I'll forget about every singe thing, but today, I realised I can still feel/remember everything vividly."

 Never did i expect to experience such similar situation again, in poly. I was hoping that i could start afresh in poly, not worrying having to face such things again, but it did. I asked "did i do something wrong that's why this happened?" and unfortunately the answer was "no". I get that life is unfair, but why does it always happens on me? Since secondary school, everyone is doing what i'm doing but only i got criticised, accused of things just because they assumed things. Everything and EVERYONE in my class reminds me of how bad things were 2 years back.

 "your mother hates you that's why she abandoned & left you" "even your mom don't love you" "you don't deserve to have a mother anyway" "you left your clique ad now you are going back to them" "you treated your friends badly" 

 But why was all the blame on me, when i clearly did NOT do anything to anyone. Why didn't anyone think that something happened within my friends, my friends left me for their boyfriends etc instead of i left my friends for someone new.

No matter how long it has been, NO ONE will know how it feels, how i felt, how is it like to be facing such situation. To some people, it may be minor issue, but am i not human too? And now, again, it's not because i did something wrong, it's just because it's me.

I'm sorry, i'm not good enough.

Just the sight of anyone's name, reminds me of all the bad things, and i hate it.

//

To Lynn:
Doubt you'll even come across this, but i'm sorry for constantly pushing you away & running away from this situation when you are trying your best to help me and make me face reality. After so many years of friendship, it's probably my first time seeing how concern you are for me, knowing i'm not okay even when i said i am, knowing how excited i was to go Perth with you etc, me putting up a strong front. thankful for you x

 To Phyllis:
Thank you for the comforting words you gave despite me pushing you away over and over again.

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