#10reasonswhyihatemyself

so... today while texting sam, i suddenly talked about #reasonswhyihatemyself and he was like "noooo, they are good qualities" & then i figured out maybe i should blog about the reasons why i hate myself.

#1: naive

• (of a person or action) showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgement.
• (of a person) natural and unaffected; innocent

yeah, i'm always so naive, it's like i am always believing in what i am told, without questioning. sam says it's a good quality but i think it is good but not to the extent? i mean, it's not good to doubt people right? so it can be good but it's not really good.

#2: gullible 

• easily persuaded to believe something; credulous.

 it's similar to naive i guess? but this is more of over-trusting someone, easily being deceived. i'm always being so naive and believed what others tells me and ended up getting lied again and again.

#3: annoying

• causing irritation or annoyance.

always feeling as if i'm an annoyance, it's like i'm NOT needed in anyone's life but i keep appearing in their life. i talk alot, and i don't know who can ever stand my noisiness and the annoying things i do. probably only coyap i guess?

#4: i am afraid of alot of things

• dark
• thunder
• insects, cockroaches, lizard etc
• ghost 
• people
• fat
• school
• cold
• heights 

(i could go on but i just can't think of what are they now)

it's weird that i'm afraid of people huh? yeah, i'm actually afraid of knowing and getting to know them because what if they don't like the real me? i'm scared of people leaving as they find me irritating, short, ugly etc etc etc. i want to get close to people but i'm scared of the outcome. will they leave after knowing me? will they dislike me for who i am? i'm always feeling out of place, like i'm not good enough for anyone. even having a crush/eyecandy on someone, i would think twice, "am i good enough for them?" idk, maybe it's just me or girls being insecure, always

#5: stupid, dumb, fool  (whatever you call it)

• lacking intelligence or common sense
• a person who acts unwisely or imprudently; a silly person

i find myself pretty stupid. i suck at studying, making friends, i suck at doing almost everything. i'm a little foolish i guess? i could go to the extreme for others and get myself deeply hurt, thinking: (it's okay, they are for my friends, bros etc etc) but what do i get back in return? nothing. well, i don't expect anything when i'm doing sth for others but at least, they should be there for me whenever i need them right? people are always leaving me, for someone better, prettier, smarter & someone who can make them happier. it's life isn't it? people come and go but hey, if i chose the right people to be with, i wouldn't be facing all this so yeah.

#6 short, ugly

• unpleasant or repulsive, especially in appearance.

hahahahahaha dont judge me but yeah it's totally normal for girls to think they are ugly, and i do think i am.

#7 indecisive

• (of a person) not able to make decisions quickly and effectively.

I AM TOTALLY INDECISIVE. I can NEVER EVER make decisions. partly because i'm scared to make the wrong decisions, and regretting it. this reason alone, i can never ever like myself. i NEED someone to be there for me, someone i can count on, someone i can depend on, someone that would not find me annoying and irritating just because i can't make decisions but instead help me make a decision. 

#8: weak

• lacking the power to perform physically demanding tasks; having little physical strength or energy.
• liable to break or give way under pressure; easily damaged.

yeap, totally weak mentally and physically. but what's worse is i have to act like i'm not affect by anything at all and smile. especially when it hurts to the extent but all i could say was "it's okay, i'm fine, really" people know me, thinking i'm strong, strong to handle emotional stuff, but they don't know that the moment i turned away, tears filled my eyes. sometimes, when i teared, people would be like "what happened to you?" and i would go "oh nothing! i'm having flu" and they would walk away, i don't know who is actually concerned about me. most of them are usually curious, rather than concern. they are concern for that period of time because they are curious. but i doubt there are anyone around me that would be truthfully concern instead of curious. for example, if there's someone out there crying, people that are concern becuase they are curious would go "what happened? are you okay?!" but for those that really cared and not care because they are curious would go "it's okay, everything's gna be alright, just cry" ((something like that????)) idk

#9 i feel bad easily, and hence apologize alot

i feel that whatever i do seems wrong, it's like i'm always making mistakes without knowing so i would rather apologize before i even offend someone unknowingly. when someone annoys me so badly, i want to tell them in a nice way that i'm annoyed etc, but i just can't. i feel really really bad. it might be because i know if someone said those words to me, i'd feel sad, so no. don't do what you don't want others to do to you. right? and sometimes i don't know if the other party would mind what i said or what i do, and i would always feel bad about it so i apologized. and when i do make mistakes, i feel twice or thrice as bad, because i know i'm doing something wrong. it's like i'm THAT afraid of making someone leave. i don't want anyone to leave, it's like telling me "sorry, there's someone out there better than you"

#10 i forgive & forget easily

idk if that is considered a good thing. in my opinion, forgiving and forgetting someone is indeed a good thing, but ALWAYS forgiving and forgetting EASILY isn't good, but that's what i'm good at. i can never ever get angry with someone more than a day, no matter what they do. is it because i'm afraid that if i'm angry with them, they'll be angry with me for being angry and leave?

yeah and i realized, most of the reasons would eventually lead to people leaving.

"i'm sorry if my best isn't good enough"